Regret.

Sometimes I wish I had a rewind button.
Cliché, I know. Don't we ALL wish that at some point? When you think about it, though, if you went back in time and changed those things that you didn't want to happen...so many things in your life would be different now. Everything that happens in our lives effects our future, so it's pretty important to take decisions seriously. Even if it's something seemingly small, like, 'should I eat that mushroom?' Well, if you don't even know what kind of mushroom it is...DON'T eat it. It's probably poisonous, or super gross. Poisonous mushrooms are pretty common. Don't eat random mushrooms y'all. Ehm, moving on...

Regret is a rough feeling. We all have to deal with regret in life. Whether it's about something serious, or just an every day thing. Big, or small. Like something important, 'Man, I really regret not telling my mom I loved her before I left for work today." or in my case, an every day thing like..."WHY did I throw that peach out of the apartment window and accidentally hit that man wearing a WHITE SUIT?" (Yep, that really happened. Still isn't nearly awkward as most things I've accidentally done. You don't wanna know about that ONE time at the museum with the dinosaur replica...)There are a lot of things that we wish hadn't happened. Or a lot of things we wish HAD happened. It's not good to get so focused on those things that you can't get past them though.

People who don't spend a ton of time with me might not believe it, but I'm pretty shy.
Or as a psychiatrist would say, I have 'Social Anxiety'.
Honestly, I try very hard to show interest and attentiveness to everyone, but I admit; it gets a bit difficult. You know the whole shoulder angel and shoulder demon thing?
Sometimes my friend Kellan says I have those, except instead of an angel and a demon;
he says it's 'Outgoing Kat' and 'Shy Kat'. Pretty silly. I know. He has a point though!
Outgoing Kat doesn't mind going to parties and having something to do every day, every hour.
Sometimes she just wants to be out with lots of friends, ALL the time!
 Shy Kat? She kind of just wants to wrap up in a fuzzy blanket, eat her favorite foods, play video games, read her favorite books and watch anime. Other times, she'd rather just be in the beautiful nature with the people she's most comfortable with.

You are probably wondering why in the world I'm telling you this. Might seem a little boring, yeah?
Well, you see, trying to separately be both my outgoing side AND my shy side; caused some problems.  I thought I could balance be ALL my friendships and responsibilities, while also staying true to myself and having some time to recover and just be my shy, weird and awkward self.
I started getting so overwhelmed trying to make time for all of my friends, and make everyone happy.
I never had any time to just relax. After a while, 'Shy Kat' was totally neglected. Resulting in me constantly hanging out with people, listening to everyone's problems and doing more activities than I really wanted too; making 'Outgoing Kat' completely exhausted both emotionally and physically.

The point is, I got so caught up in being everyone's friend, that I made a lot of mistakes.
Like being close with people who didn't genuinely care about me, being friends with people that were verbally abusive or manipulative, or accidentally ignoring friends, causing them to cut me out of their lives. I even stopped talking to some friends because my friends at the moment made me, because if I didn't apparently  "I wasn't really their friend".
I ended up losing a lot of friends. All for the sake of feeling like I was being a good friend to the OTHER friends. Basically...I hurt people. Which is something I have never wanted to do.
Or I let people hurt me. Be it them lying to me, spreading rumors about me, or just ditching me...

So yeah, rewind button would be pretty handy. Like I said, however, I may 'regret' the pain from it all; but I'm thankful for the lessons I learned. I want to love others, and be to be true to myself.
To remind myself it's okay to do the things I enjoy, and to relax sometimes- even if people say I'm being 'anti-social'.

I realize now, that the people who really care about me will still make an effort to be my friend...even if I don't hang out with or contact them super often. It was tough seeing how many of the people I considered my close friends didn't even communicate with me or make an effort to hang out at all, if I didn't take the initiative to talk to them first or make plans with them first. It was relieving though, to see the genuine interest in some friendships. People who called, just to say they missed me.

There should be mutual effort in a friendship. If you are the only one making an effort in a friendship, that isn't fair to you. You shouldn't have to be wanting to talk to someone but feeling awkward because you are always starting every conversation.

Yeah, it's hard to distance yourself from someone. Especially if you care a lot.
You see their Facebook or Instagram posts with their other, seemingly more important friends; while you sit at home wondering 'Is there something wrong with me?'
No! There isn't anything wrong with you. You most likely were a loyal friend, and they didn't appreciate you enough. You deserve a friend who will take time out of their day (even when they are busy!) to send you a text or make a quick call, just because they value you.
Not all the time, but rather just when they have the chance to. Because they want to.
Find friends who will skype you just to show you their slice of chocolate cake they think is delicious, or pick you up on a week night just to go get fast food and have deep conversations, or make a homemade brunch while listening to Bach, or just play video games or hit up the beach. Sometimes you are both busy and you'll shoot each other little messages like 'I just stubbed my toe.' or 'My chocolate milk went up my nose!' or 'Do you think puppies like metal or rock music better? or Pop?"
Even if that's all you talk about the whole day.  Even if it's goofy.

I've heard it said that it's shallow to text, or talk on the phone, or skype. "Just hang out with the person, or it's not very real!" Etc. etc. Honestly though, in my opinion, it builds relationships. You know for example that your friend was listening to Beyoncé while they were doing homework on Sunday night; cause they are so comfortable being your friend, they knew you'd care...even if it's such a small detail. For example..my best friend lives in another state. So I cherish every text she sends me or messages me. They make my day and definitely never feel 'shallow'.

If you ignore your friends, you will regret it. Trust me.
That regret? It can be difficult to get past. You can do it though.
Everyone loses friendships in their lives.
It's not always one persons fault. Sometimes it's mutual.
Sometimes it's simply that you weren't meant to be friends. 
It's okay to have friends, in fact, it's a wonderful thing!

Don't let your 'friends' take advantage of you or wrongly influence you, though. 
If you get the feeling that someone is trying to hurt you, manipulate you, or use you for a wrong reason...either confront them about it or distance yourself from them. You aren't mean or petty for distancing yourself from someone who doesn't truly care.

You don't have to have a bunch of friends. Sometimes you just need real ones.
The number doesn't matter though, really. You just need to be sure the friendships are healthy and genuine.

I regret my mistakes. I'm positive though, that I really want my friendships to be real.
I want friendships that are mutual and genuine. As I've said. 
I want to be Kat. Not one of my 'shoulder versions' of myself. I just want to be me.
People who really care, will be there even if I am fully myself. Awkwardness and all.

Live life working hard to have very few regrets!
Love others and stay true to yourself.
No rewind button needed.


"Fake friends are like shadows.
They follow you in the sun, but leave you in the dark."